the wonder of thoughts and love (the safety of a void)

i was filming a gig tonight. the sun set slowly and out came the lights. smooth tunes grooved on. i was cruising in the song. we were in the city square with angles around. light bouncing off glass and the sound did abound. went to the bar after the gig. to get a cheap giant beer and have a swig. the two blondes sidled up beside me. i looked in the mirror and hoped they would talk to me. so she did. and I balked as she talked. where could it go? was i a moron for being so? there was nought here. except a headband that matched her best friend. i walked away, i had nothing to say. between the void of wanted loins, there was no connection, only the void. and a void can be seen, can be touched. but without the love, it is never enough. i can spray a load inside a dead hole, but where is the feeling, the desire, the abode? i want to live with another, side by side, for her to know me, and want me, desire. not for the clothes or the fancy talk or the walk. but for me, who i am, nothing fancy, just a being. i let my alter ego speak for me in the talk but in the walk i am me and it is plain to see. i can desire no more than to find the woman of my dreams in whose arms i reside. i know in this age the flowery language is gone. but i beseech you to wonder and wonder. be bold. find yourself and trust it, for there is no one else that can see the truth of being and seeing. and then when you find her, admire her, and let her be. see? love is freedom not some lifestyle dream. breathe, breathe, breathe. love is a wonder beast.

bitchy whiskey and those heart stoppers.

my body still reeks of the bottle of whiskey i single handedly polished off last night. I contemplated a stroke, cancer, and life as i sucked back on my latest rollie. the ashy butt left me feeling less than the champion the packaging promised. instead i felt decidedly ill. perhaps it was time for a colonic irrigation? if i was in LA, i could have upsized the colonic, and got a full anal bleaching as well. unfortunately i wasn't in LA so i had to settle for a whiskey induced slumber. i awoke this morning, whiskey glass still resting gently in my hand, and I felt alive. life is electric. i hurt, my vision shimmied, and i wasn't sure if i were awake or dreaming. no really, i was so tired, i thought i was dreaming being awake. life is electric. my latest mad love craze danced suggestively in my head. it kept me sane. the possibility that out there somewhere was a woman that could stop my heart in a beat. life is electric. my heart at any point could collapse in a flash of alcohol and cigarettes. alcohol and cigarettes. it numbs my brain and stops me feeling lonely in a world full of people that don't communicate. unless it is in txt. lol. who the fuck is lol anyway? she sounds like some rich bitch with fake tits and a face that is all lips. botox lips. she feels important because she has a lot of numbers in her mobile. she texts, teases, flirts with nameless, half remembered faces. that guy in the club the other night when she was flying high on a plane of feigned ecstasy. a real drug, a fake feeling. a euphoria to strip away the pain of trying to be popular. the school yard is long gone but technology has brought back the bitch and the bully. let's all get hundreds of friends on myspace, facebook, youtube. who has the most friends? who cares? behind the makeup, the clothes, the mobile, the online presence, who are you really? is there anything there? i am not a preacher, i am not a poet, i'm just me and i know it. i have an ego so huge that i know the wankers in the world will always lose. i am too smart to be the president, i am too smart to be the pope, i am too smart to play the game. don't you see, it's boring to be the same? the lifestyle dream is a corporate farce. valentine's day is a hallmark card, why wait for one day? love should always be a blast. every single day. if you really cared, you wouldn't buy overpriced roses and a pre written card, you'd give your soul, it's not that hard. sure alcohol and cigarettes will kill you, but so will the lifestyle dream. do not be bought, learn, learn, learn. be self-taught. look between the words, the images, the fear. the truth is deep, so take the dive. swim through shit creek without a paddle then wash it off and take pleasure in being you. not some carbon copy cutout. think, think, think. fuck it, have a drink. live more than a little, live a lot and never stop. don't wait til you're sixty to get a super payout. be bold and live today. it's time to play.